you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
