I'm really into asian looking animals
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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