I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
