Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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