im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
