just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
