Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
