i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
