toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
