Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
