She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
