when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
