My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
