i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like abortions should bother me more
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
