I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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