Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
