3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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