there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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