I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
