I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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