You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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