you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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