I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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