Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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