Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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