4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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