also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Never joke about your clitoris.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
