i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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