I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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