my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
