My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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