Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
