and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
