i wish my penis had a tongue
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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