Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
