I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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