you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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