did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
