i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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