I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I am available for nakedness
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
