I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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