he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
