i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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