You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
