I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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