He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
