then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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