Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
