Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
