The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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