atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
