i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
