The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
