my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
